The Probably Bread Podcast: Heroes' Feast

(21st June 2021)

D&Daniel

Welcome listeners of Bread and Thread and Probably Bad, to a very special crossover episode. D&Daniel here. Thanks to Hedwig, Carlo, and A Socialist Hobgoblin for their continued support in my feud with Tabletop Tim, the imposter announcer of the podcast. I’ve got my revenge on him though, I’ve sawn the legs of his tables, so when he tries to do anything with them, like, say, play a game, the dice will go all wrong. He’ll never see it coming

Pencil

Hello, and welcome to the Probably Bad Podcast, a podcast which is definitely bad. I’m Pencil

Liz

I’m Paper, and today it is also Bread and Thread. My two podcasts have combined into a glorious beast, so I am also Liz

Hazel

And I’m Hazel. I’m here from Bread and Thread, and now I’m on another podcast, so soon I shall take over the podcast world

Pencil

I have no name on Bread and Thread, so no-one refer to me

L

So…

H

Actually, that’s a good point. So, are we referring to you by your name on Bread and Thread or am I saying Paper...Pencil

P

Refer to me by whatever series of sounds you prefer

H

Ok

L

Ok, if we just make a nonsense noise, you’ll assume it’s you?

P

Yes

L

So, we have combined these two podcasts because it’s time for a book-based Bread and Thread, and Wizards of the Coast gave me a wonderful birthday present last year by bringing out a D&D cookbook. It legit came out on my birthday

H

Oh wow! They were definitely thinking of you

L

I mean, it’s a probably bad cookbook

P

It is probably bad

L

I’ve read through the whole thing and I have some thoughts

P

Yeah, so, full disclaimer, I don’t eat food, so I’m not sure how useful I’ll be, but I’ll interject with intermittent points

H

And we’ll describe the experience of physically eating something

P

Yeah, I sustain myself entirely off likes on my social media

H

Valid

P

Reblog or I’ll die

H

So I’ve had a...I’ve had a very quick look at this cookbook and it seems very well produced. It’s, it’s got some pretty pictures in it

L

It’s definitely...it looks good. I think you can tell that it’s properly by Wizards of the Coast, and you can tell that the people who wrote it are quite successful fantasy authors, but you can also tell the people who wrote it are quite successful fantasy authors in how the recipes are written

H

Ok

L

Just very basic things that I would expect from a cookbook like total cooking times, or maybe what the food will look like just aren’t there

P

They have made cooking…

L

Think only about a third of the recipes have pictures and some of them...because they all have fantasy names, I don’t know what this is

H

Ok. That is a certain thing I’ve noticed, yeah, because it is a Dungeons and Dragons cookbook you have to get the Dungeons and Dragons flavour in, so a lot of the recipes seem to be kind of real world recipes but with the name of a place in the Dungeons and Dragons lore tacked on to the beginning

P

A lot of the ingredients too, which is somewhat annoying

L

It’s like, there’s one that is “dragon salmon”, which is just a very basically cooked salmon fillet

H

Ok

L

But there’s no serving suggestion or anything it’s just “here’s a way to cook a lump of salmon”

P

To be fair, that’s how dragons make salmon

H

Yeah, am I supposed to serve it to a dragon, or am I making it from a dragon? I feel like it’s unclear

P

I love the idea that dragons taste like salmon

H

What do dragons taste like

P

I like you asking as if one of us would know the answer

H

Well…

L

My assumption would be something like goose? ‘Cause if lizards taste like chicken, dragon’s probably gamier

H

That makes sense, because they’re like a raptor, right, so tastes like some kind of bird

P

Yeah. I feel like, I dunno, there are a lot of elemental things, so I feel like it might just taste like you’re eating mud, which would be sad

L

Maybe they just taste like whatever fire tastes like

P

Hot

H

So like spicy pheasant, is what I’m getting from this

P

Yeah spicy

L

I don’t know. Maybe fire has a flavour that we can’t experience because it would burn our tongues and the only way we can experience it is by eating a red dragon

P

Yeah, the message we’re not getting is “fire is delicious, please try and eat it”, but also, if you do eat fire, please don’t blame us

H

Nothing on this podcast is legally liable

L

Yeah, they...I do find it interesting, there’s a lot of lore for each recipe but there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly interesting, it’s mostly just a lot of name-drops? Or “here’s a fun reference to a second edition sourcebook

P

It sort of has the feeling of, it should be part of a sourcebook that doesn’t exist, if you know what I mean?

H

Can I read the first paragraph of the introduction because

L

Absolutely

H

I like it. Okay. “What is Dungeons and Dragons? For some, it’s a dynamic narrative game with infinite possibilities; for others, an exciting tactical contest of strategy and wit. But for many, it is far more than a game; it’s a way of life.” Oh gosh, it goes on. “If you’re holding this book, then you probably love two things: D&D and sharing a great meal.” Which, to be fair, I think they’re probably right!”

P

They found their audience, you have to give them that

H

Yeah. I mean, given that a lot of people play D&D over pizza or something they have got a pretty good niche here. There’s definitely a D&D cookbook market

L

I mean, they do then take about 40 pages to get to the actual recipes, but points for trying

H

Yeah, this introduction is short and hilarious and great, but then there’s also pages and pages of exposition

L

Which, again, isn’t anything new lore-wise it’s just like “hey, did you know adventurers go to places that have food, and sometimes the food is nice”, but for 40 pages, which is also just a load of scene-setting photos

H

Yeah, which, I mean they’re cool photos, but there is quite a lot of them. I’m looking at one of them now which is...it’s just a knife stuck into a table

P

One of the issues I had

H

That’s it

L

Yeah. Absolutely no disrespect to Emma Campion, the director of the photos, which I assume means the person in charge of the photos, but it doesn’t scream “recipe book” to me

P

Yeah, there’s a bit of it where it goes through different settings and what food they have, but it doesn’t go into any real detail? A lot of them just have the food of the place they’re inspired by. It doesn’t go into Aethus or Ravenloft at all, other than mentioning they exist - which they don’t incidentally, I checked, they’re fantasy worlds - and then it...yeah a lot of it’s just “this place has food like traditional medieval European foods, which I’m sure you’re surprised by given that it’s basically medieval Europe with werewolves”

L

Yeah I did notice that, especially in the human section. So, there’s chapters split up by different D&D races, or at least some of them, there’s humans, elves, dwarves, halflings, and then “other”, which includes stuff like apparently lizardfolk are really into chicken tenders, but the human section is basically “here’s a bunch of European recipes, and also a stir fry because we’re going to pretend we remembered that all humans aren’t European”

P

Yeah, I don’t like that all humans are basically medieval Europe

L

And it’s not even good versions of stuff, like the gingerbread recipe doesn’t even have syrup in. It sounds incredibly dry and kind of one-note in terms of flavours honestly? And there’s a stew for six people which is seasoned with a teaspoon of paprika. Humans in D&D are both European and don’t know how to cook

P

To be fair, does check out

H

Ok so I’m...yeah, the first recipe that is in this book is “iron rations”, which is supposed to be journey food that you take with you, your rations, and the recipe is just...I mean, it’s all just cured meats and cheese and dried fruits and things, and crackers. That’s it. The directions for this recipe are just “put the ingredients on plates and serve them” so, yeah, I feel like this is slightly redundant

P

So again, I don’t eat food, but a lot of the meals do seem very simplistic

L

(agreement noise) I think I particularly enjoy the iron rations though, because they have a little note at the end that’s just “if you actually want to travel with this recipe, change it or it’ll go all soggy”. So it’s not even a good rations recipe, it’s just charcuterie

H

I mean, to be fair, all those things do sound quite nice, but none of them are things that you make, they’re just food. Just buy food

P

I guess that in their defence “just buy food” is the simplest recipe to put in a cookbook. Step one, pick up phone, step two, call takeaway

L

Ah, but which takeaway

H

Ah! Decisions!

L

But the ingredients even in some of these stuff, there’s one that uses a brand name of peppers rather than saying what kind of peppers it is. I had to look up what it meant

H

Ok

L

And there’s also a venison roast where the first ingredient is beef. There is no venison in this venison roast, which I have been informed by some Americans I play D&D with that venison is not that hard to get over there, so I don’t know why they went with beef

H

I would think with having a lot of large national parks and hunting being popular you could just get venison

L

No, you must use beef for your venison roast

H

I mean, you could even just say “use this much of venison, or beef if you can’t get it”, but no

L

Can I read you out the list of...so I went through the dwarven section, ‘cause I knew that was going to be interesting with the whole, the way that D&D does dwarves. I just want to read out the real-world equivalents of the various dwarven recipes. Bangers and mash, swedish meatballs, shepherd’s pie, leek and potato soup, all what I would expect. Sausage and sauerkraut, porridge...and duck a l’orange. Just throw that in at the end

P

It was famously invented by dwarves

H

The dwarves have only two settings, German peasant food and duck a l’orange

L

Apparently? Maybe that’s what they make for guests I guess? But I mean the elves also have Eton mess, which is called “meal’s end” ‘cause you have it at the end of the meal, great worldbuilding guys, so I feel like every race just has one recipe that’s completely out of place

H

Maybe it’s like the thing where, you know, your country has a national dish, but it’s not really something that people actually eat

L

I love the idea of duck a l’orange being the weird traditional food your granny makes but no-one really likes it

P

I like the idea of...you know, I’m a bit torn on whether or not it should be “this is what you’d expect the species to have” versus “here’s some worldbuilding on why these species’ might eat something other than what you expect them to eat”, but it doesn’t really do either? As you said, it’s sort of like...if it was like “ok so here’s why duck a l’orange is eaten by dwarves for whatever reason”. I don’t fucking know why they would do, but they do, and that could be some interesting worldbuilding stuff

H

The dwarf-king’s mother was killed by ducks when he was a child

P

Yeah, the founder of dwarf society was pushed over a cliff by three ducks, and ever since then they have sworn revenge on all ducks by cooking them with orange

L

Yeah, the entirety of the flavour-text for this recipe, which is “orange mountain duck” is basically “maybe being near humans made them like oranges”

H

Ok. Do humans particularly like oranges?

L

Oranges don’t come up in the human section! They come up in the orc section, where you cook bacon in orange juice

P

I like the idea of the orcs having stolen all of the oranges

L

That is a level one one-shot right there. Sorry, I’m getting weirdly passionate about hating on this book

H

I mean, to be fair some of the recipes do sound quite nice, it’s just that they’re not particularly...they just don’t really scream “fantasy” to me I guess

P

You are a human. It’s a human-dwarf meeting, and you go in to serve the traditional duck a l’orange, which as you know is the traditional human-dwarf food, but orcs have stolen all of the oranges, and now you need to get it back in a cook-off with the orc warlord who is also a five-star Michelin chef

L

And we have achieved what every episode of probably bad achieves, in coming up with something I want to play

P

And you need to go on a quest to find all of the rare ingredients. And you also need to go on a quest to find a better cookbook than the Heroes’ Feast book that you have, and then, yeah, this orc tribe are famous for their culinary skills. They run a series of high-class restaurants. Instead of attacking towns and pillaging them they attack towns and gentrify them by setting up their high-class restaurants and attracting in various wealthy bugbears and goblins and hobgoblins and so forth and start gentrifying the area

L

Oh no!

P

I just feel very strongly that orcs should be metaphors for the bourgeoisie. If you’re going to have an imperialistic raiding species that goes around violently enforcing its will on other races and stealing from them, you don’t make them a metaphor for whatever “primitive” group you don’t like, you make them a metaphor for the bourgeoisie. Orcs should be wearing suits and monocles and top hats, and coming in and setting up high-class restaurants. I don’t remember what we’re reviewing, what I’m reviewing is my dislike for the fact that orcs could be a really good metaphor for colonialism if people put them on the right side of the colonialist divide

H

See, and then, instead of having a campaign where we go adventuring and beat up goblins in dungeons, we could have a campaign where we sit around the table and discuss the ethics of, the nature of food, and how certain recipes that are popular among the working class get taken and used in fancy restaurants as this really fancy thing and what that means for us all

L

So what you’re saying is we need to expand on the one-shot that I ran that both of you were in where you ended up introducing a bunch of halfling navvies to the concept of collective bargaining

H&P

Yeah

P

In case you’re wondering, all of our RPGs eventually turn into the bourgeois vs the proletariat

L

They really do

H

There was that game where we invented trade unionism

P

Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your chains, this is a joke Jeff Bezos please don’t cancel our podcast

H

Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your duck a l’orange

P

So, more recipes then

H

So yeah, I’m looking right now at “greenspear bundles in bacon”, which is in the elven section, which is in fact...it’s asparagus wrapped in bacon, that’s it, and baked, which you know, again, quite nice, asparagus and bacon go quite well together. It’s more that the flavour text, as you put it, which, I really like that term, especially for a cookbook, yeah, the explanation for why this is a thing, which, I don’t think this one would really need much explanation? It’s just asparagus and bacon. But they’ve gone for the take that elves just eat asparagus raw, or greenspears as they call it in D&D world, but half-elves have, as they put it, “In an irreverent touch, but one that flavorfully complements the greenspear, half-elves add salted and cured pork into the mix, in deference to their half-human taste buds”, so…

L

Ah yes, because elves are vegetarian

H

So yeah, halfelves apparently ruined this sacred elven vegetable with bacon

P

A weird idea that asparagus is a sacred elven vegetable. I also like the idea of everything in D&D getting ridiculous fantasy names, it’s not asparagus, it’s greenspear

(crosstalk)

L

The elf section is interesting ‘cause I feel like they ran out of good vegetarian meal ideas pretty quickly, so you have one that’s just mashed butternut squash. That’s the dish

H

Oh I found dragon salmon

L

It’s called “high harvest puree” but it’s just mashed butternut squash. I don’t know at this point you guys

H

Apparently elves eat fish. So elves are pescatarians

L

You could probably serve the salmon with the mashed butternut squash but I would call them together a dish, separately it’s just hey I cooked two things

H

Actually this is just a slab of salmon, you’re right. Why is it dragon salmon, has it got chili in it?

L

I think dragon salmon is a species

H

Ok

L

In one of the D&D worlds

P

There is no fluff text. Well there is fluff text but it’s just “this is salmon”

L

Yeah I think dragon salmon shows up in a sourcebook as just a really big salmon

P

Yeah, it seems like, yeah, it’s just a very big fish

H

It sounds like it should be one of those Victorian mock-foods, like mock turtle soup, dragon salmon

L

So is that salmon made to taste like dragon, or dragon made to taste like salmon?

H

Again, we’re back to the eternal question

L

Salmon that just tastes like fire without the pain

H

Ok, I’m looking at the dwarf cuisine

L

Again, the dwarf stuff is stuff that sounds quite nice and warming, but one of them is just bangers and mash

P

Dwarves famously don’t eat sweets apparently

H

“A common misconception about dwarves is that they lack adventurous culinary spirit or imagination, but in fact they have highly sensitive taste buds often overwhelmed by bright, piquant, or saccharin flavours. They prefer their soups dense”

L

I really love the idea that dwarves prefer plain food because pretty much all of D&D tumblr has agreed that dwarves have really spicy food because they can handle poisons better than everyone else. So then opening this and it just being like “dwarves don’t like seasoning” is really weird to me

H

I just...I like the choice of words as well, “they prefer their soups dense” is just making me think dwarves just want a really sumb soup. I want my soup to have failed its 11+

(laughing and crosstalk)

H

Bangers and smash, because they’re dwarves

L

Which is great, because smash is a brand of instant mashed potatoes, but the writers probably didn’t know that. I do love the idea though that dwarves wouldn’t call it mash, they need a slightly more violent word

H

Everything that appears on a dwarven table has been mauled in some way or other

L

Of course I am now just imagining The Hulk in the kitchen going “Hulk mash!”

P

I feel like that is the ultimate conclusion of all probably bad rpg ideas

L

But that’s just me

P

The Hulk is in a kitchen run by the imperialist orcs

L

They saw how big he was and went “yes, he must be the greatest of us all”

P

I like the idea that, yeah, we decide who’s the chef based on who’s tallest

L

So they can reach the top shelves

P

Yeah, that’s where they keep all of the good food

L

I do also enjoy “dwarves don’t like seasoned food”, and then one of the recipes has cumin and cayenne and tahini

H

Well, paprika, it’s not seasoning

L

There is no consistency to dwarven cuisine

H

Ok, yeah, orange mountain duck

P

Again, the food doesn’t sound bad, just it seems like just a cookbook of completely random recipes with the names of dwarves put on them, and I guess to be fair they can’t put in actual magical food

H

That would be quite a good take actually, if it was all the most ridiculous magical fantasy food, but then the ingredients were like “ah, well, if you can’t get sparkling blue moon mushrooms then you can just use chanterelles”

L

I mean, they do make an attempt at that in exactly one of the dwarven recipes, where they’re like “if you can’t source authentic underdark vegetables, use radishes”

H

I like that

L

Which is just a sentence in itself, I think

H

It’s the high fantasy contrasted with the mundane. It’s just radishes, man

L

Special darkness radishes

H

Yeah, no, it’s just the way that the recipes have kind of just been shoehorned into the fantasy setting that just makes it a bit of a let-down

L

Yeah, again, none of the three named authors are the food person, who’s apparently an actual chef who’s been on tv in the states and stuff, called Adam Reid, and is not mentioned anywhere in the book except on the copyright page, as the recipe developer. I feel kind of bad for him, but also develop some better recipes. One of the things in the dwarven section is called black pudding, presumably after the monster, except it’s a chocolate pudding and it makes my Lancastrian heart hurt

H

Oh no

L

It sounds nice, but it’s not black pudding

H

Do you think Bury can get out a copyright on that?

L

Although I do appreciate that it’s at least, it’s one of the things where there’s a picture, and it’s in a metal bowl with some runestones next to it, so you know it’s fantasy

H

Oh yeah, I’ve just got to the black pudding recipe. It is just chocolate soup apparently

L

And again with completely ignoring the fantasy part in the ingredients. You want Dutch process cocoa powder, which we actually talked about in our chocolate episode, but also maybe don’t specify a real country if you’re doing a fantasy thing, just put cocoa powder

H

It’s a good point. Where in the D&D realms is Holland?

L

I don’t know, but apparently D&D stands for Dwarves and Dutchmen

P

Although, to be fair, the first...the second edition monster manual did canonically decide on some creatures coming from India

L

Did it?!

P

So apparently real...yeah some of the fiends were described as coming from India, which is a whole thing in its own right. But yeah, no, it does canonically mention India as a place that exists in D&D world in the second edition monster manual. So there you go, India and Holland, those are the two real world countries that exist canonically in D&D world

L

This is like some Narnia stuff, where if you walk far enough towards Holland you hit Faerun apparently

H

Is there just a portal somewhere in the Forgotten Realms that leads directly to the kitchen of a corner restaurant in Rotterdam?

P

Yes, now. I have decided

L

Can’t prove there isn’t

P

Weirdly like the idea of a portal to the real world, but it’s just in a really mediocre location

L

Can we talk about the first recipe in the halfling section

H

Sure

L

So, it’s fondue, but they don’t call it fondue

H

Oh I just found it

L

Would you like to read out the name?

H

Community cheeses

L

I don’t want your community cheese!

H

Oh no! Cheese is not a community! Cheese is individualised

P

Don’t know what that’s a metaphor...I don’t know what that’s a euphemism for but I know I don’t like it

H

Oh gosh. “A cauldron of community cheeses for all to enjoy” how many people are dipping into this fondue pot

P

“It wouldn’t be a halfling jamboree without a cauldron of community cheeses on the table”

H

And that’s how all the halflings got typhoid

L

I mean the choice of the word jamboree is its own separate issue, I feel

P

“Each bite is replete with a surprising new taste combination” “this fondue is perfect for dagger dipping, just be sure to clean the blood off first”

L

What is dagger dipping?

H

I was thinking, yeah, I do actually like the idea of fondue where you’re only served it with a dagger and you just stab things into the cheese

L

Don’t dip your dagger in my community cheese

H

I won’t...unless...nah I’m joking...unless….

P

Haha joking...unless…

L

The halfling section really goes into it with the whole “we’re gonna name stuff other things”, like we have...it’s not a grilled cheese, it’s “melted cheeses”, or perhaps if you fancy something sweeter would you like some “sweet nibbles”?

H

I’d like some sweet nibbles

P

Halfling cuisine is bizarrely horny

H

Ok there’s “chicken something dumplings”. Apparently there is a mysterious ingredient

L

Except also this is a recipe book so we have all the ingredients. So, I don’t know which of these ingredients is the something, ‘cause none of them’s particularly unusual

H

Trying to figure it out, and there’s nothing in here that’s like “oh that’s a completely...oh I never thought that that would go with it but it does”

L

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t put sherry in a chicken stew myself, but I don’t think it counts as “oh this is a really weird ingredient, this is Something”

H

Yeah it’s just vegetables

P

Hogs in bedrolls

H

Aww. Is that pigs in blankets

P

That’s adorable

H

Ok

P

I believe so, yes. Yes it is pigs in blankets, anyway

H

Oh

P

“Few things put a spring in a halfling’s step like the buttery sausage scent of freshly baked”

H

That’s just a sausage roll

P

“Hogs in bedrolls”

L

The buttery sausage scent. It’s not even a good sausage roll, it’s hot dogs wrapped in puff pastry

H

No, don’t make a sausage roll with a hotdog!

P

I think you’ll find if you look at this they’re making sausage rolls with hotdogs

L

No, they’re making hogs in bedrolls

P

Yes. I like that one of the ingredients is frozen pastry that’s been thawed

L

You can’t buy just the refrigerated ready-made pastry, you have to buy the frozen kind and then unfreeze it

H

Oh yeah, you can’t use unfrozen

P

Halflings are cheesy boys confirmed

L

Horny cheesy boys

P

Horny cheesy boys. I apologise for that sentence

H

Hold on a sec, if you blend it, that’s not a broth, it’s a soup!

L

Yeah broth is pretty much explicitly “I made this with bones”

H

Yeah broth is watery

P

Sorry, just going a bit further on, there is Lluirwood Salad, it’s a salad, but it’s flavour text just casually mentions oh yes, everyone here is dead, but

H

What?!

P

“Prior to”...so it’s from the place...the nation of Lurien. “Prior to the Spellplague, which submerged all of Luiren, this sweet and savory salad”, and I weirdly like the power move of just “if you want to know more about this meal, you can’t, everyone involved in it died but…”

L

But it’s got pecans and spring cheese!

H

Oh right, yeah, it was really popular in this region that was entirely submerged by a terrible plague. Well, guess I’ll just imagine that

L

Yeah, I know we keep saying it, but the attempts to work in world-building, except again not really world building so much as name dropping stuff that someone else already came up with is just

P

Apple and blackberry pie has a mythic origin, which is just “a halfling had apples and blackberries and made them into a pie”

L

I mean that does sound like a halfling myth, to be fair

P

Yeah

H

That’s fantastic. I am in awe of the legend

P

It’s very legendary

L

I mean, apple and blackberry pie is delicious

H

Oh yeah, I mean that looks like a nice pie

P

Ooh, uncommon cuisine

L

Yeah! So, again, I play D&D with some people from the southern US, and they had some opinions about “Arkhan the Cruel’s flame-roasted halfling chili”

H

Hold on

L

Which...ok, so Arkhan the Cruel is a actual D&D character who works for Tiamat, the evil dragon, and apparently this book has his chili recipe, which is not particularly spicy, and also made with turkey mince rather than beef

H

But, yeah, are we just not gonna talk about the fact that this is made of halfling in universe?

L

And also that halflings taste of turkey

P

It has the evilest recipe ingredient, where it has a “Vecna’s handful of cocoa powder”

L

Also Vecna has very small hands, it’s 1.5 tablespoons

P

Vecna’s famously tiny hands

H

Oh my goodness

P

Oh also, sorry, I’m just going back through things. Tieflings either eat very spicy foods or, if they’re more in touch with their demon inclinations, then they eat raw meat, and I weirdly like the idea that the more demonic you are, the less you cook things

L

I guess if you get to a certain level of demonic you can just use your own internal fire to cook the meat

P

Also I like that the orc bacon has orc in quotation marks. Also, incidentally, canonically if you’re being chased by orcs, you can leave bacon behind so they’ll stop and eat the bacon so you can escape

L

It’s like throwing rice at vampires

P

Orcs are mandated to eat any bacon they come across regardless of context

H

Yeah, I would just like to give a shout-out to the best fantasy, popular series cookbook that I have ever read, which is the Redwall cookbook, it is excellent. It’s written for children, but also the recipes are nice. It is in fact written by Brian Jacques. I do not know if he wrote the recipes but there’s a whole entire story about how they’re preparing this feast, and the recipes are part of the story and it’s so cute. Yeah…

L

See that sounds like a much better way of doing it. You do either that or you go “this book exists in universe” like the Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook from Discworld

H

Oh, I’ve not read that one, is that good?

L

There’s a lot of stuff in it that I really want to make, and it’s really fun, and it is written as if Nanny Ogg wrote it

H

That’s a good idea, because then you can basically just get away with anything by saying “well this is what the character wrote”

L

But instead we have this

P

Yeah, the character...the World of Darkness cookbook a) exists for some bizarre reason, and b) is also actually quite good. The premise is different supernaturally things giving their different meals, and luckily it has the advantage that everything has to exist in universe rather than giving it a weird fantasy label, so there’s another surprisingly good one

L

So we’ve established that the problem with this book isn’t that it’s based on a fantasy property, and isn’t that it’s based on a TTRPG, because those have been successfully done

H

Yeah, I feel like if there’s enough focus on food in the original media then a cookbook is probably gonna work quite well, and I think…

P

“This dish”, sorry, “this dish is as sweet and as smooth as a tall glass of owlbear milk”

H

I have no reference for that

L

Something that everyone reading the book can relate to

P

Anyway, you were saying

H

I mean, I suppose there definitely is...a D&D cookbook is a good idea, because there is a lot...everyone has, with their D&D party, gone to a tavern and then spent about half an hour ordering food instead of actually talking about the plot

L

And I mean it is named after a spell which, a lot of people do sit down and go “ok so what’s everyone having, you can have anything” and you get these big discussions about the characters’ favourite foods, which is really fun

H

Yeah

P

I feel like what we should do is heroes’ feast but you have to choose one of the meals in this book, and it has to be community cheeses. It just always summons the community cheeses.

L

You could combine the community cheeses with the iron rations and then just have cheese and salami, you’re halfway to a pizza at that point

H

I suppose there isn’t a pizza recipe

P

I like heroes’ feast and it summons a pizza but it only summons each bit of the pizza separately and you have to combine them

L

Well, this book has flatbread, it has melted cheese, it has cold cuts, it doesn’t have a tomato sauce but one of the things is served with ketchup so I’m counting it. You could heroes’ feast up a pizza

P

With duck a l’orange

H

I love that idea of just a giant pizza

L

“We need to gird ourselves for the coming boss battle, I’ll order a 20 inch pizza”

H

Love the idea that pizza can be delivered. I know it’s a spell, but I’m imagining a delivery person just strolling into the depths of the deepest dungeon just like “well, it was quite tricky to get here”

L

But it’s still got it in less that 30 minutes

H

“Bit hidden away this place, isn’t it”

L

There’s a one-shot idea

H

You are a party of pizza delivery people

P

You’re a pizza delivery guy

H

You have received

L

Bring a giant pizza to the center of a dungeon

H

Yeah, that’s your main quest. You have to fight your way through a dungeon to deliver a pizza

P

I notice we’ve been going for nearly an hour now

(all saying there’s a lot to talk about)

L

I’m still not over lizardfolk chicken tenders

P

Lizardfolk love their chicken tendies

L

So considering we have been going for so long, can we move on to the drinks section?

H

Yes please

P

Yes

L

Or should I say “Elixirs and Ales”? There is no recipe for ale in this

P

Are there recipes for elixirs?

L

There is a recipe for a cocktail which includes just blending some jam into your mocktail

H

Ok…

L

I’m trying to re-find it now. There’s some good stuff, there’s a mulled cider, and there’s a mint absinthe thing and a coffee hot chocolate, and then there’s also

H

Jam drink

L

Blend up some jam, spices, and honey in some water and call it “evermead”. Putting honey in does not make it mead, my dudes

P

Actually, anything with honey in is mead, a beehive is mead

L

Does that make me mead?

H

Mm-hmm

L

Nice

P

Yes

L

There are some genuinely good ones, but there’s the jam mocktail and there’s a spinach and blueberry smoothie

H

Oh gosh, ok. I know green smoothies are meant to be good for you but also I’ve never been persuaded to drink…

L

We’ve also got dwarves and their oranges again, we’ve got dwarven mulled wine with oranges in

H

It really sounds like dwarves are the ones that like oranges in this universe

L

Maybe the orcs just stole the oranges from the dwarves and put it on their bacon while some anthropologist putting together this book is like “what are you eating?” “Orange bacon.” Write it down

P

I like the idea that in this universe oranges originated underground

L

They’re brightly coloured so that you can see them in the dark

H

Famous cave oranges

P

Yeah

L

I need you both to know I’m now putting cave oranges in my D&D setting

H

Excellent

P

Yeah. Your quest is to stop the orcs stealing the cave oranges and then making into some crappy mass produced orange bacon thing

H

That they will then serve in their fancy gentrifying restaurants

P

Yeah

L

There are some interesting sounding cocktails in here, like there’s one called “The Mindflayer”, which is ginger, lime, grape juice, and vodka, which sounds interesting

H

Ok, mindflayer is a great name for a cocktail

L

It is, it’s...I mean, the description kind of reminds me of a pangalactic gargleblaster. It’s purple and citrusy and makes your brain feel funny, and it’s got ice in it. It’s a pangalactic gargleblaster

H

Wonder if it feels like being hit by a golden brick

L

I don’t drink, but I imagine that it would be nice. And the Potion of Restoration sounds really nice as well, it’s mostly blackberries and lemon, and then you put in some gin and some blackberry liquore

H

That sounds good

L

Which, again, I don’t drink but it sounds delicious

H

Yeah, that would restore me

L

But then my brain just goes “but there’s also a jam cocktail”

H

Well I think you should try the jam cocktail, for reasons

L

I would, but I also value my sense of taste

P

That sounds like a you problem

H

Can’t believe you don’t respect us enough to drink jam

P

Every time you get a natural one, Paper does have to chug a jar of jam

L

It’s true, please stop rolling 1s, it hurts. But yeah, then after the drinks you get into general advice for cooking for your D&D group. One of the actual pieces of advice is “establish in advance whether you’ll be eating before or after the game” like...yeah? Yeah, that’s how meal planning works

H

Makes sense

P

Don’t just wait for your players to walk in, and then hold them down and force-feed them your community cheese, that’s bad

L

Just halfway through the game stick some jam in the blender and don’t explain

H

It’ll add flavour to the game

P

To be fair, if you’re playing a more surreal game, if you’re just sat there blending jam for the entire time you’re GMing, that is gonna add some flavour to it. Just every time the players roll a natural 1 you just sort of look solemn, take out a blender, take out a jar of jam, and blend it

H

“If you are the dungeon master it might be better to leave the cooking to someone else” I mean, yeah, you probably can’t DM while cooking a 3-course meal

L

Maybe you can’t

P

“You don’t want to have to”...”You don’t want to have to fish a d4 out of your Community Cheeses.”

L

But would you dagger dip it?

H

I would

P

Don’t dagger dip your D4

L

I do also like that rule 3 is “the rules are guidelines”. Yeah, because you haven’t really given me full recipes

P

“For example, you could assign tofu, chicken, pork, and beef each to a number on a d4.” And whichever it number it lands ends up being in your meal

L

I mean, that sounds fun, but also some sauces go well with some of those and not others

H

Kind of do want to try making a recipe entirely by dice roll

L

That sounds awful, I love it. Can’t believe how long that has gone

H

Yeah, they do actually...there’s a postscript where they thank everyone involved in D&D over the years, they thank Wizards of the Coast, all of the designers, the writers, the people who made the book, the people who were involved...they don’t thank the chef

L

Yeah. The poor guy wrote all of these recipes, there’s quite a lot of recipes honestly, they’re very basic but if this is your first cookbook you could do worse, and they don’t...like I said, he isn’t mentioned beyond the copyright page

H

They’re just like “we’d like to thank everybody who made this book possible”, and the chef is not one of them, apparently

L

They thank the publicity manager

P

Yeah

L

But not the guy that made the recipes

H

I thank you...who was it again?

P

They do thank the chef, don’t they? “This is not to forget the incredible recipe developer and chef responsible for making a delicious reality of the fantasy dishes we compiled and conceptualized—our infinite thanks to Adam Ried!”

L

Ok, it’s just hidden away

P

Which, to be fair, is admittedly several paragraphs in

L

Oh yeah, they thank him after they thank Chris Perkins and Mike Mearls and just D&D people

P

Yeah, it does seem like they might have forgot the incredible recipe developer and chef responsible

L

Yeah, he’s thanked in basically the same breath as the Dwarven Forge guy, who basically just gave them some stuff to take pictures of. He’s in the special thanks section, not the people who actually made the book section

H

Oh, there we go. Special thanks...they thank...special thanks to about 10 people, and then the chef. He has one sentence. Oh I see, so they apparently compiled and conceptualised the dishes, and then he had to make them into recipes

L

I love that. So they basically went “hey what if we had fondue” and then Adam Reid had to figure out how to make some halfling fondue

H

Fondue, but can you make it fantasy?

P

Fondue, but can you make the name sound slightly skeevy?

L

I just, I feel bad for Adam Reid

H

Petition to have a second D&D cookbook where Adam Reid has full creative freedom

L

Especially ‘cause after all of the thanks the three authors get their own little section, and he just gets half a section after the...in the special thanks. It’s not fair

H

They totally missed an opportunity to have a picture of Adam Reid, I don’t know what he looks like, but have him dressed up in completely outlandish fantasy armour with a little chef’s hat on top

L

That would make me approximately 80% more likely to buy a cookbook

(all thank Adam Reid)

H

You did a great job

L

We’re sorry we were mean to your recipes

H

In our defence...

L

But it’s mostly the presentation that’s the problem. So yeah, thank you for listening to the crossover episode

P

We’re now friends

L

If you like Pencil more, you can go to patreon.com/probablybadrpgideas, and if you like Hazel more you can go to patreon.com/breadandthread

H

Joke’s on you though, ‘cause it’s all under the probably bad umbrella

L

It is, it’s all Pencil/Paper productions

H

It is the Pencil/Paper podcast empire

L

By empire we mean two podcasts

P

Hazel is disposable, no offence Hazel

H

Hey listen, you cannot replace my knowledge of obscure viking textile methods

L

But yeah, we hope you enjoyed this special episode. We will see you next time, and remember to have a probably bad day

H

And eat your community cheeses

P

Remember to have a probably bad bread and thread

(end music)

L

Eat your community cheeses?