Probably Bad 26: Garage Wizards, Face Jail, and Garlic Humidifier

(9th December 2020)

D&daniel

In the bleak midwinter frosty wind made moan. But you don’t have to listen to that, you can listen to this podcast instead, thanks to hedwig and carlo.

Opening music

Mod pencil

Hello and welcome to the probably bad podcast, a podcast which is definitely bad. I’m pencil.

Paper

I’m paper. Today’s probably bad rpg idea is…

Dice roll.

PAPER

Outlaw backstories. Pcs have amnesia. Npcs have amnesia, heck, everyone has amnesia. Submitted by the appropriately named effects of entropy.

MOD PENCIL

Also you’ll notice my sound doesn’t sound absolutely garbage.

PAPER

Unrelated to the idea, but the new microphone is good. Thank you patrons.

MOD PENCIL

So the idea as opposed to bragging about my basic competence… I do have actual memory issues so I feel if I can lean into those with my RPG idea it’s not that I am being bad with that basic thing it’s that I am artistic and intelligent.

PAPER

It also gives a good excuse for not planning anything. Oh yeah I’ve got this whole developed world, problem is noone in it knows anything about it, so if it sounds like I’m looking stuff up or trying to think of an idea, that’s just the characters trying to remember stuff. They need time to think.

MOD PENCIL

I’ve not forgotten my notes what I’m doing is an experimental rpg.

PAPER

I’m method dming.

MOD PENCIL

So if you’re covering up your incompetence it’s a great idea. You can also do this as a character – oh no I haven’t forgotten my strengths, my character’s just got amnesia about what their strengths are.

PAPER

I feel it would be difficult to do with a pc cause you do need basic stats but in terms of improvising a whole setting and adventure I’m into that.

MOD PENCIL

I feel the best game sessions are more improvised than planned, which is a controverisla opinion, but I tend to improvise a lot of my sessions.

PAPER

I think there’s a point where you can plan the setting too mcuh and there’s not really room to have fun within it.

MOD PENCIL

What is it? I think it’s powered by the apocalypse who says draw a map but leave blanks. I definitely feel there’s something in an entire setting that’s completely made up… As opposed to all those real d&d settings but you know what I mean.

PAPER

Yeah, there’s also stuff like if your character wants to worship the god of sharks, if the setting has been made without a god of sharks you can’t play that character.

MOD PENCIL

I guess it’s the yes and thing of improvisation.

PAPER

It is, it’s the way I tend to play RPGs, one step beyond the rule of cool, of like if it doesn’t contradict established information about the world and sounds fun why not.

MOD PENCIL

We’re giving actual advice here.

PAPER

It does happen.

MOD PENCIL

Follow up question, do you need basic stats to play?

PAPER

I think at minimum you need basic stats and some idea of what character class you are.

MOD PENCIL

That’s fair. To be fair I have done character as – npcs without statting them up at all, they have roughly this bonus in this area.

PAPER

Oh yeah I think for npcs they just need the stats you need them to have. I thought you meant for pcs.

MOD PENCIL

I think in the sense of if a roll comes up roughly how much do I think they do at this roll. I guess you could do that with pcs, but you get the problem of oh yeah my pc has plus 20 in everything.

PAPER

In terms of the actual way the idea’s phrased, I do feel there’s an adventure to be had there of either a monster or wild magic event has completely robbed the town of their memories and the pc has got to fix it would be a genuinely interesting one shot.

MOD PENCIL

An idea I’ve liked but never had a chance to write or play or what have you, is just an apocalypse instead of wiping out the world wipes out history, everything’s physically the same except no-one has any idea who they are or what the things around them are or what any backstory for the world they’re in is, you’re in a world that’s physically the same except you have no context for anything or anyone around you.

PAPER

That’s the sort of thing I mean just on a smaller scale on a one shot thing but a whole world would be interesting.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah, I – sorry I’m also drinking cause I’m a biological lifeform, which is one of my many flaws – but yeah I always wanted to use, I feel it would get very different from your standard apocalypse very quickly, you can still get like, you’re still stuck, that – that buh – that was a sentence.

PAPER

Yeah, I know amnesia works with autobiographical memory, but this is fantasy.

MOD PENCIL

I was going with something has destroyed history instead of amnesia so if people go that’s not how amnesia works I have to go oh yeah have you had an eldritch horror destroy history I didn’t think so.

PAPER

That we know of.

MOD PENCIL

If an eldritch horror wants to destroy 2020 I’m ok with that.

PAPER

Although having no autobiographical memory could be quite interesting – you’re the hero of the town – am I great what do I do?

MOD PENCIL

You wake up and you’re one of the most powerful beings in the world and you don’t know why or how you got here.

PAPER

That’s a strong start to something.

MOD PENCIL

I feel like – the trouble is when I try to flesh it out into a plot what I come up with is an et sort of you are 4 rascally children and one of the most powerful beings in the world is in your garage having lost all memory of who they are. There’s this incredibly powerful godlike wizard, idk if you know they’re a powerful godlike wizard and they don’t or if they just use magic sometimes – how are you doing that? Idk.

PAPER

I like that cause that could go in incredibly different directions depending on not just who you’re playing with but what mood they’re in. It’s almost a social experiment where you get different people to play this one scenario.

MOD PENCIL

I’m putting it on my dating profile from now on, if you had an amnesiac powerful wizard in your garage what would you do?

PAPER

I like it.

MOD PENCIL

There is a reason fantasty amnesia is different to the actual medical condition, as a plot point it opens up a lot of possibilities.

PAPER

I feel it’s used on tv a lot as it’s an easy way to create confusion but I feel like there are definitely ways to do it I feel like idk what the right word is, but socially interesting, which sounds like a way someone would describe me, but you know I’m not autistic I’m socially interesting.

MOD PENCIL

Levelling up is one of those things that’s inherently very unrealistic. You stabbed ten goblins and now you’re better at sneaking. If we made it that you’re level 20 but can only remember your level 1 things, and also why you’re doing adventure things in general also triggers those memories.

PAPER

That makes sense, you use those skills and there’s muscle memory.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah I feel that could work. You need a workaround as to why you lost all your memories but you could have a lot of interesting things like that. One of the things I like about that. Warlocks and paladins don’t make a pact until they’re level 3, paladins don’t make an oath until 3 idk warlock, which is a little weird if you’re starting at level 1… But I like the idea of going oh yeah that’s the oath I made. I’m a paladin of vengeance and then you stab the warrior in the face.

PAPER

I’m not sure how well it would work with a whole party but as a character concept it’s pretty strong. Especially with something like a paladin, I made this oath, it kinda fried me, let’s do this.

MOD PENCIL

I like the paladin just idk what oath I made, but yeah, I feel like there’s definitely a character concept in this somewhere.

PAPER

Shall we move onto questions?

Question music

Paper

If you have a question you can email probablybadpodcast@gmail.com or send us a message on tumblr at probabybadrpgideas, like derparavener did. I’m making an entire rpg system, as part of that I’m making a default setting to supplement it, but there’s one thing I’m struggling with, how to come up with default names for races, having a few cat people and lizard people called stanley and bob is always fun but whole factions left to be named that way seems ill fitting. I like that it’s the opposite of the improvised rpg we were talking about.

MOD PENCIL

I like the idea of randomly pick some names and extrapolate from that.

PAPER

Yeah there is – one thing I have personally done is pick a culture or language see how their names work and make some up based on how those names sound.

MOD PENCIL

With catfolk I feel if you call them all just tiddles and moggie etc cause cats already have established names.

PAPER

Or you name them mungojerry and rumbleteaser.

MOD PENCIL

Two kinds there are two cultures of cat names.

PAPER

Maybe the jellicle names are more like the nobility.

MOD PENCIL

You need to bring the pet cats in a revolution against the jellicles. And then you have the new generation. Like lolcats. You need to go fight mcavity who has broken every human law and thus is a war criminal.

PAPER

But from his name we can extrapolate mcavity is part of the nobility which is why he’s not been held accountable for his crimes.

MOD PENCIL

Nuclear bombs have been invented and you need to stop mcavity from completing his broken every human law by stealing one and nuking a major city. By doing a revolution against the nobility to strip away his powers.

PAPER

So that’s cat folk, what about lizards.

MOD PENCIL

Another mr lizard. I hope our viewers listen to one very specific sketch or it’ll sound like I lost my mind.

PAPER

It’s 2020 and we’re referencing jam. That’s where we’re at.

MOD PENCIL

Assuming for some reason you don’t want all your lizard folk called mr lizard, what names do pet lizards tend to have?

PAPER

I don’t think I’ve known anyone with one.

MOD PENCIL

Send in your suggestions I guess.

Animal people are easy enough cause animals do tend to have established names.

PAPER

You say that right after we have no idea what lizards are called. The only one I can think of is harry, cause you’re a lizard harry.

MOD PENCIL

All male lizard folk are called harry, and all female lizard folk are called liz, and those are the two lizard names.

PAPER

Have you considered they’re all just terrible puns? This is my wife cobranna… Like cobra and anna…

MOD PENCIL

I got the joke.

PAPER

Yeah but nick did a face like I disappointed them. Pythony?

MOD PENCIL

I feel like most animals have established names or you can make puns.

PAPER

I feel like you probably wanted a better idea than taking down the jellicle elite and pun names but you knew who you were sending it to.

MOD PENCIL

You should’ve sent it to a better podcast. Um yeah, I guess in terms of non animal related fantasy names, I guess with elves you have fairytale names, or dwarves are all called rockboy. It’s the same way they all have beards they’re all called rockboy. Halflings just have human names but quieter. Gnomes are all called wacky bojangles ridiculous things like that.

Question music

PAPER

Our second question –

MOD PENCIL

Or just human names but yelled angrily?

PAPER

Our second question is anonymous.. How to bring characters together when they don’t know each other.

MOD PENCIL

Have you considered amnesia?

PAPER

How does that bring the characters together?

MOD PENCIL

They wake up somewhere together, no knowledge of where they are, and they have to be friends.

PAPER

All I can think of from that is the saw movies.

MOD PENCIL

That’s where my mind was going. Have you considered Saw movie?

PAPER

I’m gonna say it, there’s a reason taverns are a cliche – it’s a place people go and things happen – taverns, markets, fairs, there’s a reason these things are standard.

MOD PENCIL

The two obvious things are they’re all employed on the same job, or they’re all trapped in the same unpleasant situation and need to survive together.

PAPER

I assume you want something less obvious and slightly more probably bad.

MOD PENCIL

The less obvious ones… They’re tied together in a 3 legged race but they don’t know how to untie themselves so just have to go around like that.

PAPER

They’re all at a funeral but none of them knew the person that well so they’re all stood in the corner being very awkward.

MOD PENCIL

They’re all being mind controlled by the gm, they have to follow-

PAPER

They’re all on a sinking cruise ship while the band plays on.

MOD PENCIL

Due to a legal mixup they all got married to each other rather than their actual spouses.

PAPER

They’re all at the scholastic bookfair and if they club all their tokens together they can get one of their fancy books. Considering how many players look as opposed to npcs, they’re just the weirdest looking people in town and end up being pointed at each other.

MOD PENCIL

They all go together in the ugly weirdo sort of room, and once in there they become best friends.

PAPER

They’ve all been arrested for crimes against normality.

MOD PENCIL

Been arrested for face crime and are put in jail. What we’re getting at here is a way of rosating your player character concepts.

PAPER

Little bit.

MOD PENCIL

You all arrive at the centre for stupid concepts by stupid people. This is just getting more and more openly aggressive. Just rugby tackle them until they work together.

PAPER

Your characters are all in remedial maths, trying to figure out how their dice work.

MOD PENCIL

Your characters are all together to play an in universe d&d game.

PAPER

Your characters are all in a saturday morning detention, and although they seem like completely different people, they have more in common than they think.

MOD PENCIL

You say that but I do want – I am in a monster of the week game based around the premise of saturday morning breakfast club, or saturday breakfast club whatever, but they’re monster hunters. Which… There you go, to answer your question make it… What the fuck is it called?

PAPER

Breakfast club.

MOD PENCIL

What the fuck was I thinking of? Nick if I say breakfast club here can you edit it in so I don’t sound stupid?

PAPER

I think you were combining the breakfast club with saturday morning breakfast cereal.

MOD PENCIL

I think I was, yes. In my defence, they both have the word breakfast.

Question music.

MOD PENCIL

Next question! Before I mix up any more basic concepts. This is also anonymous, and my screen doesn’t want me to see it. How to hurt vampires when they hurt you? We can’t all have hellish rebuke.

PAPER

This is someone who is bitter about tieflings isn’t it?

MOD PENCIL

I mean if you have warlock classes you can all have hellish rebuke, but have you considered filling your blood with garlic?

PAPER

Just inject it.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah just inject it directly into your bloodstream. I’m sure there’s a mechanical thing of what spells or feats would make it most ideal, you’re bitten but this is probably bad rpg ideas so clearly-

PAPER

Because it’s november at time of recording, recently listened to till death do us blart and therefore watched paul blart mall cop 2, where a major plot point is one of the bad guys is allergic to oatmeal and gets oatmeal moisturiser on his face which causes some problems and lets the good guys escape. Have you considered just garlic moisturiser?

MOD PENCIL

Garlic humidifier. Like a humidifier but instead of water it’s garlic.

PAPER

I need to know if it’s raw or cooked garlic cause one of those is quite nice and one of them would not.

MOD PENCIL

Just raw garlic.

PAPER

There is also the obvious stuff of like wearing silver.

MOD PENCIL

Go outside. Be in the sunlight.

PAPER

If you cast mage armour just on your neck, do you just break the vampire’s teeth on the now hardened skin/

MOD PENCIL

You need to cast it as it’s biting you so it’s going in with force and then just… Have like… Is contingency spell still a thing?

PAPER

I don’t think so?

MOD PENCIL

Use 3.5 and use a contingency spell so when it bites you it teleports the vampire and you into daylight, and then the vampire will pay for its crimes.

PAPER

I guess it is still a thing it just comes under readied actions, so I guess you ready the spell for when it bites you.

MOD PENCIL

I loved contingency spell. It was ridiculously broken but It was great. Cause everybody on the internet was like here’s my incredibly broken character class, it has 3 contingencies so if you slap them it moves cities. But yes, moving onto spells that exist in 5th edition, cover yourself in angrry badgers, but angry badgers that have taken cleric levels so they can turn undead.

PAPER

I like it.

MOD PENCIL

I wonder what god a badger would worship…

PAPER

What about angry badgers that are part demonic and are tiny tieflings, then they can use hellish rebuke…

MOD PENCIL

Anyone can use hellish rebuke if they’re covered in gasoline and they’re fast enough at lighting matches. I feel a lot of these will end as badly for you as they will for the vampire, but you know, teach it a lesson. Grab the tiefling-

PAPER

You have a character in your party who can bring people back right? Just use some revivify after you’ve been set on fire it’ll be fine.

MOD PENCIL

This is why we have a cleric. Or as I like to call them, adventurer babysitters.

PAPER

Designated adult.

MOD PENCIL

If you don’t have a designated adult, then…

PAPER

If you don’t have a designated adult, one will be provided for you.

MOD PENCIL

I feel like it’s clearly a tiefling you’re annoyed at for using hellish rebuke when vampires attack, then looking at you really smugly like hah I bet you can’t do that, so what you need to do is grab that tiefling and put them in the path of the vampire.

PAPER

We’re saying in every party as well as a cleric you need a tiefling that you can throw at bad guys?

MOD PENCIL

You need a tiefling on a stick. Just wave them around.

PAPER

Do you need a large character to actually carry the stick or do you team up like that one photo with the flag?

MOD PENCIL

The plan is cause you don’t know which of you is going to be attacked by the vampire so you all team up.

PAPER

That makes sense, we can’t all have hellish rebuke but just one of us needs hellish rebuke.

MOD PENCIL

I hope that was a sufficiently inspirational answer for you.

PAPER

On that concerningly regular throw your party under the bus note, if you want to support the podcast we have patreon.com/probablybadrpgideas where you can get access to homebrew and bonus episodes and a discord server we’re also on redbubble as probably bad if you want some merch, we have the podcast logo but it’s 80s and the face of d&daniel. We’re also on reddit facebook, twitter, tumblr, we’re everywhere. We’re colonising the internet. And

Both

Remember to have a probably bad day.

Closing music.