Probably Bad 12 Hamster Bag of Holding, PvP IRL, Tall Horse

(27th May 2020)

Pencil: hello and welcome to the probably bad podcast a podcast that is definitely bad I’m pencil

paper: I’m paper and today’s probablybadrpgidea is…

dice roll

paper: you know your favourite novelty silly song? that’s now your character’s backstory. So I think this is one I posted a while ago and specifically thinking about songs like grandam got run over by a reindeer and that’s a straightforward I want to get revenge on santa kind of backstory.

Pencil: or reindeer

Then I was thinking itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini can this be a backstory somehow? It does state a woman is afraid to get out of the water that’s something

Pencil: your character has a cursed bikini that means they can’t leave the water and they need to end the curse and when they go on adventures they get carried around in a bucket.

Paper: you did it you made the song I thought least likely into a backstory.

Pencil: this sis why we’re RPG geniuses

Paper: what’s your favourite novelty song?

Pencil: probably I’ve got a lovely pair of coconuts. I think it should be interpreted entirely literally if you’re doing a backstory this sis my pair of coconuts and I will do powerful magic with them.

Paper: you say that but my current Fate pc is a stripper

Pencil: combine them, stripper dedicated to protecting coconuts

Paper: i[‘v e thought of one that would be very good for a ranger – i9 lost my hamster on the underground I must go on a quest to the underdark to rescue my companion who is ca hamster

Pencil: I like a hamster companion. I like it even better if you’re a paladin and your hamster is a mount

Paper: are we talking pixie paladin or riding a capybara in full armour because we all know a capybara is just a big hamster?

Pencil: I was thinking paladin in full armour stood on a hamster who just lifts them up and carries them forward by the foot

Paper: that’s a strong hamster

Pencil: yep a really strong hamster

paper: what about an army of them it’s like a carpet

Pencil: come to me my mighty steed as you fall over backwards and hamsters just carry you. I think we’re getting a pretty good party going

Paper: a hamster’s mouth is pretty much a bag of holding

pencil: the paladin climbs into the hamster and then the hamster just runs forward with the paladin in their cheek pouches

Paper: i feel like we’re getting into niche porn territory

pencil: everything we do is niche porn somewhere on the internet

Paper: so we’ve got revenge against Santa, we’ve got a pair of hamster paladins, we’ve got the bikini person, I’m not sure what class they would be

pencil: bikini

paper: nikimi!

Pencil: that’s their class. Now we just need a laughing gnome and we’re ready to go on an adventure

paper: I feel like the laughing gnome as a villain a powerful trickster

pencil: just David bowie as a powerful trickster

paper: David bowie did play a powerful trickster in one of my favourite films

Pencil: I feel labyrinth would be improved if all the characters showed up.

Paper: I for one plan to play a hamster based ranger in my next campaign

Pencil: a hamster based ranger I assume is they use the hamster as an arrow so they put it in a bow and fire it at enemies

paper: you know who the enemy is? A one eyed one horned flying purple people eater that would be pretty easy in D&D it’s just a purple dragon with one eye

Pencil: that’s my new character and I don’t care if the GM says that’s not a thing. So I think we’ve created a party and I’m pretty sure that’s what this podcast is about coming up with party ideas

paper: we’ve got the party we’ve got an enemy might i suggest if we start – the normal thing is a tavern I’m thinking night club, big event,k some sort of monster mash?:

pencil: I already love this you think the vampires are going to be the antagonists I but no it’s David bowie

paper: I feel the real antagonist of the monster mash is bobby picket why is he spying on these people what is he up to

pencil: there’s a World of Darkness campaign in there somewhere.

Paper: I and i want to play it

pencil: all various supernatural races have gotten together for a conference and it’s a dance party for some reason and they need to stop the human from spying

paper: dance party’s in the evening you know you need to wind down after a long day of discussing monstrous affairs

pencil: would vampire the masquerade be improved if it was set in a nightclub wit the monster mash

paper: anything could be improved by the monster mash

pencil: but yes in WoD if you play the monster mash every supernatural creature should be forced to reveal themselves by yelling whatever happened to my transylvania twist

paper: transylvania twist being a ragamuffin a sacred record

pencil: Dracula’s very first transylvania twist

paper: it was stolen by his son who was really embarrassed by all the dad dancing, just make it stop

pencil: I fear we’ve made a hotel Transylvania RPG

pa[per: hotel transylvania slaps

pencil: I’ve never seen it, there you go hotel translational meets the monster mash

paper: I think that’s a good time to move onto questions

music

pencil: our first question is anonymous have you got any advice on dealing with a murder hobo who is a fellow player. no-one else is saying anything and I worry it’s going to be down to me to do something because my last characters was a responsible mother type

paper: have you considered leaning into it?

Pencil; out murder hobo them

paper: they kill a shopkeeper you kill a child, they kill an informant you raze a village, eventually they will be the responsible mum friend

pencil: take a note of how many people they stab and do twice that many

paper: the other option is of course the Monty python approach where they just get arrested have you considered turning your fellow player into the police?

Pencil: just call the police call the guard to sort it out

paper: I remember you telling me about this happening in a game you were in

pencil: yeah sadly it didn’t work but in our game we were investigating a nefarious conspiracy and thought what if we reported them for tax fraud because they weren’t declaring all their income from the scheme – the GM said no because they didn’t want to have a whole thing about the tax system so we had an epic fight instead. I still feel we should’ve arrested them for tax fraud

paper: we did have a filler session where one of the player characters did get arrested and the rest of the party were their legal team so it can be done

pencil: I feel more like players should just go to prison, I meant player characters there but possibly more players

paper: either or

pencil: your options are kill more people or call the police or talk to them out of character but that’s the boring option. Maybe you be a hobo out of character – they stab a character you break a window with a chair

paper; that fits my advice about escalation

pencil: just escalate even more they kill a helpful shopkeeper in the game you kill a helpful shopkeeper in real life. This will cross over with you going to prison

paper: have you considered just killing them?

Pencil: ultimate escalation. Well now we’ve just recommended murder next question

music

paper: this next question comes from Pomerania thought of a really cool magic item to give one of the PCs in a campaign but recently one of the players mentioned one of the things they’d want. Any advice? Bad ideas only I’m franklly offended that you think we’d give good advice. That was a one off.

Pencil: what you do is put the item in front of them, ring of fireball or whatever, then troll goes in smashes it in half and gives them the item you want

paper: have you thought about the marshmallow experiment – put the item you want in front of them, tell them if they avoid using it the whole session they get the other one and we all know players can’t not use magci items so you’re in the clear.

Pencil: duct tape two magical items together and make them into one awesomer magical item

paper; would they have to both happen at the same time?

Pencil: yes

p[aper: so if you had a deck of many things to a ring of fireball every time you sue the spell you also have to use a card

pencil: you combine the summon monster with a touch of death so you summon a monster and it immediately kills it it’s really useful for causing existential crises

Paper: combine a headband of intellect and a cloud of daggers so you can be an absolute genius as long as you stand perfectly still

pencil: combine a ring of enlarge person and a ring of shrink person and you have a ring that magically transforms you into someone the same size as you are

paper: the better option is you give them what they want but you give a second cooler item to a different player character and see if they wanna swap or you give them a cool item and give what they want to another player character so they have to negotiate in game to get what they want

pencil: you just give them the item they want and give everyone else cooler stuff

paper: if they want something uncommon everyone else gets something rare

pencil: give them the item you want in game but the item they want in real life

paper: might be difficult to pull off but they did specifically ask for bad ideas

pencil: if you have a headband of intellect in real life you might as well use it

paper: I feel like a headband of intellect in real life is just a google glass so you can look stuff up and look smart

pencil: if google wants to sponsor us ….

paper; is google glass still a thing it feels like it was a thing for a month then disappeared.

Pencil: I don’t know what’s happening any more I haven’t left the house for months for all I know America has disappeared under the ocean

music

pencil: our last question is from dolph

paper: friend of the show, thank you dolph

pencil: how would you hide a giraffe from the government? The best way assuming you’re in a city is paint it grey and disguise it as a phone pole

paper: if it has a lightbulb in its mouth it’s a lamppost

pencil: yes the four legged lamppost that sometimes screams, normal

paper:: useful though those dark alleys just bring a lamppost with yourself

pencil: the alternate thing is put glasses on it call it Clark Kent, everyone will think it’s just a reporter

paper: what if you just subtly change its patterning just some brown paint or something this is not the giraffe you’re looking for – assuming you’re hiding this giraffe cause it’s a fugitive

pencil: this is one of those illegal giraffe. Or paint it brown and it’s just a long horse

paper: that’s a pretty long horse

pencil: don’t judge my horse

paper: I was saying it as a compliment I love a long horse

pencil: whey?

Paper: just get one of those green clown wigs stick it on top after you’ve painted it brown and suddenly it’s just a weird tree.

Pencil: I was thinking here’s my long clown, paint it white, put a clown wig on its head

paper: the advantage of that is you just have to paint its face

pencil: the advantage of that is you have a terrifying clown

paper: all clowns are terrifying

pencil: but would they be more terrifying if they were secretly giraffes

paper: take an underground approach, go through the sewers and use its head as a periscope to see if you’re going the right way

pencil: combined with the clown approach it’s like you’re making a fucked up remake of IT where anywise is a secret underground giraffes paper: as opposed to a regular IT which is unfucked up and safe for children pencil: a wholesome story about a friendly clown who is dealing with this town’s child problem

paper: penny wise is an exterminator is he pest control?

Pencil: yeah this town has a child problem call in penny wise. we’ve advocated murder so many times in the episode.

Paper: we’ve had a blasphemy episode, this is a murder episode.

Pencil: I hope that helps with your giraffe problem dolph

paper: So if you want to ask a question whether it’s RPG related or just to ask us what the fuck you can message us on tumblr at probablybadprgideas or email probablybadpodcast@gmail.com, if you want to support us you can go to patreon.com/probablybadrpgideas where you can get access to the probably bad server plus home-brew content and bonus episodes. You can also go to pencilpaper.org where you can get access to all the pencil paper podcast’

Both: and remember to have a probably bad day