Rorschach RPG, Magical Puberty, and AFAB (Assigned Flumph at Birth)

(17th March 2021)

D&DANIEL

Here we go, settling into my podcast nook. What’s this? Things aren’t where i left them. An intruder was here. Hedwig! Carlo! You will tell me if he comes back, won’t you?

Opening music.

MOD PENCIL

Hello and welcome to the probably bad podcast, a podcast which is definitely bad. I’m Pencil!

PAPER

I’m paper. Today’s probably bad rpg idea is...

(dice roll)

A game of the secret of cats where one of the PCs is secretly a standard, non-sentient cat.

MOD PENCIL

For those who don’t know it, the secret of cats is a fate game where you are magical cats and you fight monsters. it’s very good. But this isn’t an advertisement and if you want me to go into more detail then they need to stat paying me.

PAPER

I have played it and it’s fun.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah. I just love the idea of seeing how long you can keep up that you’re just a cat. It doesn’t even have to be a cat related game. Just space marines and one of you is just a cat in a little suit.

PAPER

That’s adorable.

MOD PENCIL

You just have to see how long it takes for them to realise you’re not just a disruptive player who is saying meow noises and going i lie on the floor and wiggle my butt around and instead you’re actually deep roleplaying as a cat.

PAPER

Thing is cats are smart and also tiny murderers so i feel like depending on what the secrets of cats cats are getting up to you could be quite useful you pick up on the situation and start clawing and hissing at the bad guys. Knocking important magical artifacts off surfaces.

MOD PENCIL

Just a normal cat with little knives strapped to your legs so you can fight people.

PAPER

Cats already have that it’s called claws.

MOD PENCIL

Ok you have bigger knives strapped to your legs.

PAPER

Attach one to your tail.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah.

PAPER

A cat that’s cosplaying as the knife octopus, the knife tentacle.

MOD PENCIL

I like the knife octopus.

PAPER

I like the knife octopus but i was thinking of that video of a box with a flailing tentacle sticking out of it and it’s got a knife stuck to it cause humans i guess.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah. So if you tie that to a cat and throw the cat off a building, cause cats always land on their feet it’ll spin around forever. I feel like more games need the twist of your character’s just been a cat this whole time.

PAPER

The poblem is now i’mm thinking about skyrim and the fact their cat people can look like cat poeple or just cats and we’e supposed to just accept this.

MOD PENCIL

The thing that weids me out about that is that there are also actual cats in skyrim.

PAPER

There are, or at least elder scrolls. i should call it elder scrolls i’ve only played skyrim and oblivion.

MOD PENCIL

So you don’t know a cat when you’re petting it is a normal pet or if you’re sitting there petting a khajit. Anyway, enjoy that skyrim interlude.

PAPER

Would a particularly dim khajiit just come across as a regular cat?

MOD PENCIL

Yeah which is just the inverse of the secret of cats. And actually the inverse of the secret of cats is most of you are standard non-sentient cats and the other is trying to persuade the rest of them to stop licking their balls and go fight monsters.

PAPER

Khajiit has wares if you have coin, please try to ignore my sister she’s a dumbass. Just knocks some skooma on the floor.

MOD PENCIL

You could call it herding cats cause that’s what it’s about.

PAPER

I like it.

MOD PENCIL

You can - yeah, you need to stop some demon from attacking but yo’ure the only sentient cat and so you need to train the other cats to fight monsters.

PAPER

This is feeling less like an rpg now though.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah, everyone else has to roleplay dumbasses but everyone does that anyway so - this way you get all the players who are really bad at roleplaying and they play the cats and you have to persuade them to go along with the campaign.

PAPER

What if none of the cats are sentient they’re all having a real bad nip trip.

MOD PENCIL

Have you ever gotten so high you achieved sentience or fought monsters?

PAPER

Well they think they have. They’re just lying on the floor drooling and batting at the air.

MOD PENCIL

Also you’re really high on catnip is a really good twist to put into any campaign.

PAPER

I don’t know how safe this is but i know there are people who have made tea out of catnip and it works and is a really good anti-anxiety thing. I’m not saying it’s a good idea, absolutely not cause i don’t know, i’m just saying it’s a thing people do. I want to make clear i’m not endorsing drinking catnip.

MOD PENCIL

There’s a lot of things people do and we don’t recommend doing any of them. i think the thing that needs to happen with the twist to make sure it’s not it was all a dream - it’s not just you’re high on catnip it’s you’re a cat high on catnip. After you defeat the lich king and bring peace to the entire land it’s revealed this entire time it’s been a normal cat in a normal suburban house and it thought it was a team of 4 adventurers going to stop the lich.

PAPER

It was only half a dream.

MOD PENCIL

It was a real lich, but everything else was taking place in a suburban home.

PAPER

I mean you really were a cat, but i like that also

MOD PENCIL

I feel like - i’m not going to finish that sentence apparently, the cats don’t want me to.

PAPER

Too much catnip.

MOD PENCIL

The cats - i would suggest what you should do is everything revolves back to cats, and it usually does in an rpg campaign anyway. You roll cats you write your character sheets on cats...

PAPER

Did you say on cats or in cats?

MOD PENCIL

On cats.

PAPER

Oh ok i was imagining your whole character sheet is pictograms of cats you have to interpet.

MOD PENCIL

I also like that one. You determine how strong you are by making a cat look more or less hench.

PAPER

Probably bad rpg idea pregen all your player characters and make the sheets in code, you only get to play if you crack the code.

MOD PENCIL

Your cats - intelligence is just a cat with bigger or smaller glasses.

PAPER

Adorable.

MOD PENCIL

I feel this would work - you could do interesting things dependning on how people intepret it.

PAPER

I feel like whatever peoples’ interpretation they think is right that’s what it is.

MOD PENCIL

Aah whatever they feel it is, that’s what it is. I like this idea for radically subjective character sheets. Like your strength stat is copietic and whatever you determine is copietic works.

PAPER

That is not a word i know.

MOD PENCIL

I think it means happy i honestly don’t know i might’ve made it up.

PAPER

I can find copacetic that’s probably what you meant.

MOD PENCIL

Aah yes that’s probably it but i’m going to go copietic.

PAPER

Wait i found it in an encyclopedia from 1809. but it doesn’t say what it means. Even better write the character sheet purely in outdated words.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah i like the idea that there is a word that doesn’t exist, so you just have to go with that - sounds like good word?

PAPER

You’re turning this into a psychology experiment, a rorschach test, but an rpg.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah the gm’s like i got you a premade character sheet and hands you a blank piece of paper. Everyone else has a blank piece of paper and they’re acting like it has words written on it. How do you react?

PAPER

Wait, are they now getting the sheets in character?

MOD PENCIL

No, everyone before the game is like here’s your character sheet, and it’s just a blank piece of paper, and everyone’s like oh i get to be a bard and all that kind of thing.

PAPER

You have to cover it with shapes. Shapes and randomly generated fake words that might or might not exist.

MOD PENCIL

You just get a photo of the DM. I think what we’ve invented here is various forms of psychological torture, which as far as i can tell is all psychology is.

PAPER

It’s an experiment. If you can convince the ethics committee it’s just an experiment, it’s fine. I don’t know how psychology ethics committees work, mine was basically are you going to endanger vulnerable groups? No? Go for it.

MOD PENCIL

My experiment got the ethics stamp of fucking nice bro, that sounds sick. Send us the footage so we can put it on youtube.

PAPER

That’s the point where i think it may be unethical to secretly film people this rorschach rpg.

MOD PENCIL

Every time you go to the bathroomm your character sheet is replaced by a slightly different character sheet.

PAPER

It’s got the same symbols on it, it’s just a mm bigger.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah you get the same pre made character sheet but every time you leave or go to the bathroom or get distracted it’s replaced by one which is slightly different and over the course of the rpg it becomes a different character. Different class, different species, different rule system and it’s a change blindness thing to see if you notice what’s going on.

PAPER

If you notice it you level up and you get another, different characte sheet

MOD PENCIL

I’m pretty sure the original idea was what ridiculous psychological experiment would you perform on the player characters?

PAPER

Yeah, definitely.

MOD PENCIL

Or players, even. i need to start drawing a distinction between those things at some point.

PAPER

Oh no it’s turning into mazes and monsters.

MOD PENCIL

If you have a psychology experiment performed on you in the game you have a psychology experiment performed on you in real life, which is arguably true.

PAPER

Yeah. If you have to solve a puzzle in the game, you have to solve a puzzle in real life, and doesn’t everyone approach psychological testing as an actual test they need to pass? That’s normal and healthy, right?

MOD PENCIL

I got an A* in having a psychology. I actually failed, i am a philosophical zombie. So yeah, perform psychology experiments on your players. Give your cat a character sheet and see what stats it comes out with.

PAPER

Oh, we’re going into a new thing now of getting your pets to play?

MOD PENCIL

Yeah. If you can train your dog to roll a dice it will be adorable, and that is my argument.

PAPER

If you line up dice on the edge of a shelf, a cat will probably come and knock them down.

MOD PENCIL

Even if there’s no cat in your house.

PAPER

Eventually it’ll happen. Before we get into a whole different idea, shall we move on?

MOD PENCIL

We’ll move on to questions in a forcible attempt to stop us talking about cats.

PAPER

But i am going to watch the 1998 cats after this. Yes, if you have a question or just want to yell at us about cats you can message probablybadrpgideas at tumblr or email probablybadpodcast@gmail.com. Yes, idk why i sounded so defeated, i’ve had a time. Yes, questions.

Question music.

MOD PENCIL

This is from derpravener - any advice for populating lists? I’m working in a custom setting so i need my own lists of equipment and enemies to use in a random encounter. What loot do i pick from when the need arises? Only cats. 100 things, roll a d100, it’s all cats.

PAPER

Break into a supermarket, the first 100 things you see become a d100 loot table.

MOD PENCIL

I like that actually. You just open a chest and in it is a packet of crisps and a phone, from the crisps and phone emporium, which is the only shop near my house.

PAPER

You could do a department store instead but you know the first 100 things in a department store are going to be makeup. maybe if you loot an actor...?

MOD PENCIL

Just have an evil organisation that trades only in makeup.

PAPER

And only magical makeup.

MOD PENCIL

Makeup has become this nation’s main currency. You pay someone by putting lipstick on them.

PAPER

Have you considered filling the list with random words and shapes and seeing how your players interpret the loot?

MOD PENCIL

Just make it like really esoteric you open the chest and you find the sense of validation you’ve been seeking since you were 12.

PAPER

You find boba and kiki.

MOD PENCIL

Inside the chest you find... and then you just scream for 3 minutes. instead of making actual lists of treasure and monsters, just make more or less scared faces and it’s like you encounter a - and then look very distressed and that’ll get across how big the threat is.

PAPER

That would be a good way of getting around having to name enemies yourself.

MOD PENCIL

You encounter an oh darn, or a holy shit you’re all gonna die.

PAPER

You come across a small camp of oh goodness.

MOD PENCIL

Golly gosh.

PAPER

See that’s a low level enemy but there’s a camp of them.

MOD PENCIL

I like this world where enemies are named after what people yell when they fist see them.

PAPER

I mean it isn’t not how language works. Language is an illusion.

MOD PENCIL

Is an oh shit more dangerous than a dire oh god?

PAPER

I think it’s a regular oh darn, regular oh shit and then dire oh darn.

MOD PENCIL

Ok.

PAPER

Real answer: look at existing lists and come up with things you think are roughly equivalent in terms of scale.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah i think with equipment lists unless you have something really weird in your setting you can get away with money and many useful items. in terms of monster lists i’m not a fan of the wandering monster list in general, but if you’re going to have i think it’s like generally if you have a list of monsters you just stick ‘em on there.

PAPER

If you want something the players won’t be expecting, i’d quite like to look in medieval bestiaries and the book of imaginary beings and stuff like that, stuff that hasn’t been adapted into D&D yet

MOD PENCIL

Or just take a load of catnip and roll what you see when you take a load of catnip.

PAPER

Read herodotus and combine the two.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah i think it’s probably easier to make monsters than make my previous slightly flippant advice sound more useful. Or take drugs. This podcast doesn’t recommend taking drugs. Not even once.

Question music? Again? Oh, my.

PAPER

Appropriate name given the advice just Pencil gave - anarchic moral trickster asks - what’s your favourite probably bad idea for a warlock? Be it from an old post a character you played or seen played or something only recorded in your brain? What’s your favourite?

MOD PENCIL

My favourite is i can’t remember if it’s an original or a submission - a wizard follows you around casting spells and making it look like you have magic powers. You don’t have eldritch blast there’s a wizard in the trees behind you who shoots fireballs when you point at them.

PAPER

That is a good one. I know this has come up on a probably bad post but i think it’s being played quite well - in the campaign i’m currently DMing there’s an archfaye warlock who is trying to get so powerful they are worthy of having sex with their patron.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah i think i’ve been told about this one cause currently the power imbalance is too high but once you’re level 20...

PAPER

Once you’re level 20 you’re basically a god.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah, um, we should probably elaborate a bit more on one or both of our answers.

PAPER

Yeah. Trouble is we don’t get a lot of warlocks.

MOD PENCIL

I think most of them are some version of bonking the patron. so there is that. And often patreon, like your patron is patreon. Which is us, if you give us money i will get magic powers and use it to conquer the world.

PAPER

That’s patreon.com/probablybadrpgideas. there was one recently that was a warlock that doesn’t think it’s a warlock and their patron is just an imaginary friend and they’re just insert X kind of spellcaster here.

MOD PENCIL

Warlocks who is actually a - cleric who insists they’re a warlock cause it’s edgy is a common one. I’m not a cleric of paelor, i’m a warlock of the light and that’s why i’m dressed inn goth clothes.

PAPER

I like the idea of a warlock where like their parents are sorcerers but they haven’t inherited those magic powers but eventually they do get some magical ability, and they’re like i hit magical puberty late, and it’s actually some great being felt sorry for them.

MOD PENCIL

For some reason i really like the phrase magical puberty. Their voice cracks and they shoot fireballs.

PAPER

I have to assume sorcerers go through some transformation like that, cause the alternative is babies that can cast like - i just realised i don’t know any sorcerer cantrips.

MOD PENCIL

I do think it is babies who can cast magic or at least toddlers who can cast magic.

PAPER

But sorcerer cantrips, babies that can cast firebolt.

MOD PENCIL

This is why no-one likes them, cause they’re toddlers who go around casting firebolt.

PAPER

Is this why d&d characters don’t have parents cause the sorcerer babies killed everyone?

MOD PENCIL

Yeah. The thing is in 3.5 paladins were chosen at birth. It was ignored in all the later rulebooks.

PAPER

Good cause that’s ridiculous.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah it is. But the original 3.5 Thing paladins were chosen at birth and only later did they choose to go with that calling. Which means you can have a baby paladin and a baby sorcerer going on a baby adventure but yeah i just assumed toddlers can cast magic.

PAPER

That may have to be a bonus episode at some point.

MOD PENCIL

I went through which of the character classes you can have as a toddler. Druids are chosen by nature, clerics are chosen by god, so in principle... you could give a baby a spellbook and see how it did.

PAPER

You could have warlock if the patron’s just a real dick.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah there’s no reason a child couldn’t make a deal.

PAPER

Sounds like something an archfey would do.

MOD PENCIL

I just assume toddlers can cast firebolt in D&D world.

PAPER

I do prefer magic puberty, cause when you’re going through puberty you have uncontrollable thing happens downstairs, whichever puberty you go through, and i like the idea of you get really excited by something and thunder comes out of your hands. or oh there’s jenny, she’s really cute, boom.

MOD PENCIL

I don’t like the implication sorcerers cum thunderbolts

PAPER

That’s not what i was implying, but if that’s what you choose to infer...

MOD PENCIL

I realise as i said it that’s not what you meant but fuck it. Anyway yes email in to say whether or not you prefer babies with fireballs or people with thunderbolt erections.

PAPER

Just make sure to put FAO Pencil in the subject line so i don’t have to read it.

MOD PENCIL

We’re being thrown off the amazon store, so feel free to send in any insults to jeff bezos so we can read them out after that happens.

PAPER

To be fair literally our first episode we called jeff bezos the big bad evil guy of the world.

MOD PENCIL

Yes an opinion we have subsequently rescinded, because jeff bezos, not at all an evil person, is you know, a podcasting demon.

Question music.

PAPER

Yes. Our last question is anonymous. If you guys were monsters, what would you be? I did do a what D&D monster are you quiz a while ago and i got a flumf. I feel i should be insulted but flumfs are great. They’re these little guys who are smart and float around and are vibing.

MOD PENCIL

Yeah i think i would be-

PAPER

So i think i would go flumf, it’s my dream and i was assigned flumf at internet. That’s what the afab on my birth certificate is.

MOD PENCIL

Assigned flumf at birth. I would be one of those weird abberations at the end of the monster manual when they were clearly running out of ideas and it’s just two tentacles stuck to a goat or something. It’s one of those ones where you look through and think i’ll use it in a campaign at some point, and you never do, cause you use a mindflayer or something rather than tendrils mcgee.

PAPER

i’d use tendrils mcgee, but i made my players fight a bonnacon, which is a bestiary creature which shits fire so maybe i’m just not very nice. I can see you as a modron i think. just busying away in a corner.

MOD PENCIL

I think i’d be a rogue modron, one of the ones still trying to do one of those complex plans, but is just completely off the rails and the other modrons are like we don’t need you to turn a guy’s house into a bowling alley, and i say fuck you it’s all part of the plan as i turn a guy’s house into a bowling alley. I keep sending primus images of the bowling alley and he says stop it, but i keep doing it cause no-one can stop me. That’s the monster i’d be.

PAPER

I can see it.

MOD PENCIL

I’d like to see a flumf and a modron team up to like make a bowling alley. It would either be really boring or really exciting when a balor and an orc set up a rival bowling alley on an opposite side of the same guy’s house.

PAPER

I feel like that’s a children’s book in universe is just a flumf and a modron who go on little adventures and make things.

MOD PENCIL

And it has a pit fiend who is a bad guy but an adorable pit fiend.

PAPER

A little chibi one!

MOD PENCIL

Yeah. And it’s just small and it stabs your ankle with a pitchfork. i don’t think it has a pitchfork. Does it have swords or is it something else? The point is it stabs your ankles.

PAPER

I really want to see a chibi pit fiend.

MOD PENCIL

Maybe there’s one in your house right now.

PAPER

Maybe.

MOD PENCIL

If you clap your hands three times.

PAPER

I feel like i’d know. My house is quite small.

MOD PENCIL

It is small it is chibi, so...

PAPER

Unless it’s under the stairs i never go under the stairs.

MOD PENCIL

Because of all the pit fiends.

PAPER

It’s hard to get under the stairs because you have to squeeze between the fridge and the wall, but if you were a tiny pitfiend you wouldn’t have to squeeze.

MOD PENCIL

I hope everyone is enjoying this virtual tour of mod paper’s house, which is i believe is what everyone tuned in for.

PAPER

Maybe we should end the episode there.

MOD PENCIL

Sign in if you want more tours of our virtual houses you may or may not get them, did i say sign in? What the fuck am i talking about? Feel free to sign in with your us account.

PAPER

I mean if you give us money on patreon.com/probablybadrpgideas you can have some stuff. You can’t get a tour of my house but you get some bonus episodes and probably bad homebrew.

MOD PENCIL

And you will be giving us magic powers.

PAPER

In a roundabout way, cause it allows us to do more stuff. So yeah, thank you for listening.

BOTH

And remember to have a probably bad day.

Ending music.